On Tuesday, September 27, 2024, I told a story for The Moth StorySLAM at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor, MI. The theme of the evening was “LOST.” The audio is available here:

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In 1999, when I was in 7th grade, I LOST one of my science projects. Apparently, the day before Thanksgiving break, I left it in band class.

My project was a STEAMBOAT. It was this BIG STEEL PIPE. You’d put water inside the pipe and–because this was before 9/11, when you could apparently do this kind of thing(?)–I used a GIANT BLOWTORCH that I brought with me from home to boil the water which would generate steam and propel the boat forward. It worked really well.

TBH, I didn’t even know I’d lost my steamboat until… Joyce found it. Now, Joyce was not a custodian, the band teacher, or anybody else who worked at the school. Joyce was… a POLICE DOG, the kind used to sniff out explosives. She–and her human BOMB DISPOSAL TEAM members–had been called in because someone–me!–had left what appeared to be a pipe BOMB on the porch of the building used by the band at MY middle school. Joyce did NOT alert on the “device,” but just in case, the bomb squad dusted it for fingerprints and took it back to their lab to X-ray it.

Remember, I was on break. I had no idea ANY of this was happening UNTIL… l READ ABOUT the whole thing on the FRONT PAGE of our local newspaper. “SUSPECTED BOMB LACKS EXPLOSIVES” read the headline, and there was this full page photo of a sheriff’s deputy with MY SCIENCE PROJECT sitting on the hood of his police car. My parents–who learned about this the same why I did–thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS and I… DID NOT. I FLIPPED OUT. I thought for sure that I was going to get into TROUBLE, get kicked out of school, even go TO JAIL. My younger sister–who has no patience for this kind of thing (or for… ME)–reports that I was “snot crying” and inconsolable.

Dramatic, I know. But, you have to understand, 7th-grade me had a bit of a GOLDEN CHILD thing going on. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was always “that kid,” the classic OLDER CHILD. Mr. Responsible! But on top of that, my parents had recently divorced–and that was NOT amicable and… I KNOW… it was MY FAULT. My sister and I had moved into a new house with my mom and that living situation made me feel like THE MAN of the house. And while that made me feel SPECIAL, it also came with a lot of pressure not to let anyone down and I felt like I had to be PERFECT, hence the GOLDEN CHILD persona. And THAT’S the real reason I flipped out. I was worried that my carefully crafted reputation would be ruined, and people would see me for who I REALLY was, and I wasn’t necessarily proud of that.

So, a few days pass. I go back to school… slightly more famous than when I’d left. I got my steamboat back–thankfully my science teacher also read the newspaper and recognized the device and intervened on my behalf. I did NOT go to jail… I did NOT get kicked out of school. Actually, I got a good grade on the project! And it turns out that the only person who suspected I was fooling ANYBODY about being “golden” or perfect was… ME!

And that GOLDEN CHILDNESS I started to discover, it turns out, never really goes away, even when you’re no longer a child. In fact, it comes out in unproductive ways, like… PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIORS–I’m really good at those…ask literally anyone who’s ever met me!–and an OVERWHELMING SENSE OF GUILT when you don’t please them. This CONSTANT VOICE in the back of your head that always tells you that you aren’t “good enough.” And a pervasive FEAR OF FAILURE, of letting yourself or especially others down.

And that’s no way to live! So I’m working on it. I’ve learned, for example, that you can be afraid of failure all you want, but failure is GOING TO HAPPEN. You WILL MAKE MISTAKES, and I know that… from EXPERIENCE. Since the PIPE BOMB INCIDENT, most of my mistakes have, thankfully, been small. NGL… Some have led to additional close encounters with law enforcement. But a few have been REALLY BIG and I know from those that GOLDEN CHILDNESS–or whatever adaptive thing you’ve got going on–can become not just unproductive but your TRAGIC FLAW if left unchecked.

So these days, I am trying to LOSE that need for perfection. I don’t even go for perfect; I go for ORDINARY. I remember that I am loved and supported by the people around me, flaws and all. And that my spouse and my boss are NOT MY MOM, and that I AM NOT that LITTLE BOY, even though he’s in there somewhere because he likes to rear his ANNOYING, PERFECT little head sometimes. Mostly I remember, though, thay Joyce… Joyce!… is not lurking around every corner waiting to sniff me out for who I really am.

Thank you!

Categories: talks